Fine at school, falling apart at home

Nothing happened at school — so why do they fall apart at home?

The teacher says your child had a good day. But at home, the slightest thing sets off tears and they won’t answer any questions. You can’t help wondering: have they been holding it together all day at school, or is something at home not working? Either is possible. “Fine at school, upset at home” on its own doesn’t tell you which.

Start by asking what “fine” means. No trouble and homework handed in tells you how things looked from the outside. It doesn’t necessarily tell you whether they understood the lessons, whether lunch was bearable, or whether they felt able to ask for help when they got stuck. Teachers and parents see different parts of the day, so you need to put the details together.

A 2021 UK study interviewed eight autistic girls aged 12 to 15, along with their mothers and teachers. One girl, given the name Helen, said that when she got angry at school she usually hid it — but at home she was much quicker to lose her temper. Her experience shows that some children hide their difficulties at school. It doesn’t mean every child does.

Another girl in the study, Holly, spent a lot of time making her work look neat. Teachers could easily assume she was getting on with it, when she might not have understood the question and didn’t want to admit it. “Did you finish your work today?” and “Was there a question you didn’t know how to do?” can get you very different answers.

The National Autistic Society also explains that big reactions at home can be linked to pressure at school, and that children may not be able to tell you how they feel. So it usually works better to ask fewer questions straight after school, and look for specific clues later, than to expect them to explain their whole day the minute they walk in.

If some days are clearly worse than others, jot down the dates, what your child said when they got home, whether they seemed unwell, and what helped afterwards. Then ask the teacher to look at the timetable, lunch and any last-minute changes on those days. Hold off on blaming home or school until you know what happened.

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An example from a book: when PE was cancelled

In Uniquely Human, Barry Prizant describes an eight-year-old boy called James. James loved being active in the gym, but that day it was being used for class photos. His teacher suggested a walk instead. He wouldn’t have it, and later hid under a table in a consulting room.

Prizant brought over a beanbag and a toy frog James knew, and told him he could see how upset he was about missing the gym. James said he needed to move. Prizant stayed with him and listened. After a while James calmed down, came out on his own, and asked Prizant to go for a walk with him along the corridor.

The lesson for parents and teachers is that offering an alternative doesn’t mean a child is ready to accept it. First find out what the original activity did for them, and whether the change was explained in advance — then talk about what to do instead. The frog was something James knew well. It isn’t a calming tool that will work for any child.

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What exactly should you check with the teacher?

You could ask: “Both of the really hard afternoons were Wednesdays. Was there anything especially noisy that afternoon? Was PE cancelled at the last minute? Was there any break after lunch?” These are just examples of what to ask — don’t assume any one of them is the cause. Your child can add to it by drawing or pointing at their timetable.

Once you’ve found a specific problem, try a change aimed at that problem. If a last-minute room change left your child lost, ask the teacher to tell them in advance where the new room is and to make sure someone can take them there. You note how they are when they get home, the teacher notes whether the day went more smoothly, and then you look together at whether it’s helping.

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Also keep an eye on pain, tummy trouble, sleep and any recent changes at home. NICE guidance for children says health, communication and surroundings all need to be considered. If your child has changed noticeably recently — especially if they seem physically unwell — see a doctor. Don’t assume it’s all down to holding things in at school.

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What can you do when you pick them up today?

When you first pick your child up, go easy on the questions about lunch, homework and friends. Notice whether they’re hungry, thirsty, feeling unwell or just want some quiet. Ask later, when they’re able to talk. If they’re already upset, they don’t need to explain why before they’re allowed a rest.

Talk about how they’d like to recover at a calmer time: “When we get home, would you like some time on your own first, or shall I sit with you?” Some children want to be alone; others want company but no conversation. If your child needs supervising, work out a safe distance and a way for them to call you. Time alone still has to fit with keeping them safe.

If you’ve also got dinner to make and other children to look after, start with one change you can manage. For example, don’t mention homework when you first get in, and let them rest in their usual spot. Once they’ve recovered a bit, look together at what really needs doing that evening. There’s no set number of minutes they should rest — try it and ask what helps.

If this happens every day, comforting them after school isn’t enough on its own. Take the pattern back to the school, and get professional advice together if needed. If anyone could get hurt right now, deal with safety first. Once things are calm, look at the causes and what needs to change.

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