My child is struggling. Where do I start?
Find the exact point where your child gets stuck, then try one change they can accept. Whether it’s bath time, homework or school, you can start the same way.
It’s the same struggle every day. Where do you start?
When your child refuses a bath, homework or going out every single day, you want to know why — and what will actually help. Don’t lump all the refusals together as one problem. Pick the one that disrupts daily life most, and watch for the exact point where your child starts avoiding it, crying or stopping.
Take bath time. Does the trouble start as soon as they walk into the bathroom, or only once the shower’s on? If pouring water slowly from a cup is OK, the noise of the shower or the feeling of the spray is worth asking about. If they’re still unhappy whichever way you do it, check the water temperature, whether their skin is sore, or whether they don’t know what’s coming next. This is about narrowing things down step by step — not deciding the cause from one reaction.
NICE guidance for children points out that physical discomfort, communication difficulties, surroundings and changes to routine can all play a part. Try writing down one specific time it happened: what was going on just before, what you said, how your child reacted and what helped a bit afterwards. A few sentences is plenty. There’s no need to video the whole thing.
Section sources [1]
How do you ask when they can’t explain?
Wait until your child is calmer, and keep the question small: “When the water touched your head just now, did that feel horrible?” They could point to where it bothered them, choose a picture or write it down. Then give them time. Don’t immediately rephrase the same question five different ways — that just makes it harder to answer.
When you offer choices, include “none of these” and “I don’t know.” If they pick “none of these,” put your own guesses aside for now. You could also ask them to show you how they’d like to do it — like pouring the water themselves. Only try it again when it’s safe and they’re happy to. There’s no need to put them through the upsetting part again just to find out why.
If your child is in full meltdown, or someone might get hurt, stop any demands that aren’t essential, move anything dangerous out of reach and stay where you can see them. Working out why can wait. At a calmer time, agree on a word, sign or picture they can use when they need to stop or need help.
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If there are problems at school too, what should you raise with the teacher?
Send the teacher one of the incidents you’ve noted down and ask them to fill in what happened during the day. For example: “On Wednesday he kept covering his ears when he got home and wouldn’t eat. Was there anything especially noisy that afternoon, or any change of plan?” You’re far more likely to get a useful answer than with “please keep an eye on him.”
If you agree that your child can go somewhere quiet when they need to, also check: where is it, how do they ask, who responds, and who do they go to if that teacher isn’t there? Walk them through it so you know they understand how to use it. Just being told “you’re allowed a break” may not be enough for them to actually take one.
Afterwards, ask both the teacher and your child how it went. The teacher may feel it hasn’t disrupted lessons, while your child is worried about classmates staring. If so, talk about a more discreet signal or a different way of leaving the room. If the arrangement isn’t being used, find out which step is getting in the way.
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When should you get professional help?
If your child’s difficulties keep affecting eating, sleep, school or everyday care, or they’ve clearly lost skills they used to have, contact local children’s health or child development services. Take the changes you’ve noticed and your notes with you. You don’t need to have a diagnosis in mind first.
When choosing a service, ask directly: which everyday difficulty will you work on, what will you do, how will we know if it’s helping, and what happens if my child doesn’t want to or gets more upset? Be clear about time, cost and how much your family can realistically do. Medication, restrictive diets and supplements all need a separate professional assessment — don’t copy success stories from the internet.
Even when something doesn’t work, you learn from it. If changing the water temperature made no difference but pouring from a cup did help, start there next time. Tackling one problem that keeps wearing the whole family down makes it much easier to see what works than piling lots of new activities on your child at once.
Sources & further reading
- NICE CG170 · Autism in under 19s: support and management · Recommendations ↗
How this source was used
NICE’s guideline on supporting autistic children and young people, including what to take into account.
- Joe Butler / National Autistic Society · Tips for effective communication with autistic pupils · 8 April 2022 ↗
How this source was used
Joe Butler’s 2022 advice for the National Autistic Society on communicating with autistic pupils: how to ask questions, allowing time to respond, and using pictures and other ways of communicating.
- National Autistic Society · Working with your child’s school ↗
How this source was used
National Autistic Society advice on working with your child’s school: preparing for meetings, following through, reviewing and involving your child.
- NIMH · Autism Spectrum Disorder ↗
How this source was used
NIMH information on autism: the basics, diagnosis and support. US service details may not apply where you live.
Editorial note: our synthesis and educational examples have not undergone clinical review. They do not diagnose individuals or replace medical advice. Source organisations have not reviewed or endorsed these articles.