Why am I so tired when I seemed perfectly at ease?

Why am I worn out after a conversation that went fine?

To everyone else, you seemed relaxed. Inside, you were working out when to look at them, whether to laugh at this bit, whether that last thing you said came out wrong. Juggling all that through a whole conversation is exhausting, so no wonder you’re tired afterwards. In autism resources, hiding or adjusting yourself to fit what other people expect is called “masking.”

It might look like rehearsing how you’ll open a conversation, copying other people’s expressions, or not daring to say you want to leave a room that’s far too loud. Some of it you do on purpose; some has become habit. But conversation can be tiring for other reasons too, so these examples aren’t a checklist for diagnosing yourself.

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How can masking help you and still wear you out?

In 2017, Hull and colleagues gathered online questionnaire answers from 92 people who said they had a formal autism diagnosis, asking them to describe masking. People masked to make friends, get jobs or avoid being shut out. Exhaustion came up again and again — but some also described relief or satisfaction when things went well. In other words, getting what they wanted and paying a heavy price often went hand in hand.

Bear in mind that this study collected people’s accounts. It wasn’t an experiment comparing people who mask with people who don’t. Participants weren’t chosen at random and the researchers didn’t check their diagnoses. So it can’t tell us how many autistic people mask, it doesn’t prove masking makes people ill, and it can’t promise that stopping will make you healthier. It’s also from 2017, not a new finding.

What we take from this is to look separately at what you want and what it costs you. Say you really want to go to a friend’s birthday party, and you genuinely enjoy seeing everyone, but you spend three hours fighting the urge to leave a noisy room. Next time you could still go and see your friends, but agree to stay for the first hour only, or step outside halfway through. The point is to find a way to take part, not to force yourself to choose between gritting your teeth all night and not going at all. This is a suggestion, not a tested method.

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If I learn a communication skill, is that masking too?

You can’t tell from one action alone. Preparing a few opening lines can be a handy tool you’ve chosen — or a script you’re terrified to stray from. Researchers use “camouflaging” to cover both hiding your traits and using strategies to work around difficulties, and in everyday talk “masking” overlaps heavily with that. Rather than labelling each habit good or bad, ask: does it help you say what you actually mean? Does it still leave room to admit you didn’t understand, or to say what you need? Can you adjust it to the situation?

Here’s a work example. Writing down three things to check before a meeting and asking them in order might make you feel much more on top of things. Or, to seem quick, you might say “sure” even when you haven’t understood, then go away and guess what the task is. Both make the meeting look smooth, but the second one hides what you don’t know. Keep the list, and try adding: “Let me repeat the task back to check I’ve got everything.” What needs discussing is how and when information is shared — not just you getting better at coping.

This doesn’t mean throwing out everything you’ve learned, and “masking less” shouldn’t become another performance you have to pass. There may be habits you want to keep and others you still rely on for now. If even a small request could get you laughed at or punished, the problem isn’t a lack of courage on your part. How the people around you respond needs to change too.

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Can someone be listening properly without looking you in the eye?

In chapter 4 of the Chinese edition of Women and Girls on the Autism Spectrum, one woman describes looking at the spot between someone’s eyes so it seems like eye contact — because actually looking into their eyes makes it hard for her to follow what they’re saying. That’s one person’s experience from the book. It doesn’t speak for all women or all autistic people.

It’s a reminder that you can’t judge how well a conversation is going just by whether the other person looks the way you expect. Someone looking straight at you without taking it in is very different from someone looking at the table who understands and asks good questions. Ask them what makes it easier to listen, then check together that the message got through. Don’t make them spend more effort on where they’re looking just so they seem attentive.

Some people find eye contact easy; others only struggle in certain situations. We’re not going to tell anyone where to look, and avoiding eye contact certainly can’t tell you whether someone is autistic. Friends and family could try talking while walking side by side, looking at something together, or starting the conversation in writing. These are all things to talk over — and what the person themselves says about what works is what counts.

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Everyone adapts a bit. How do I know when it’s too much?

It depends on what you’re actually doing and how it affects the rest of your life. Preparing answers before a job interview is one thing. Spending ages rehearsing every ordinary conversation, then coming home too drained to make dinner, is something else entirely. Start by thinking about the most tiring conversation you’ve had recently. You don’t need to rate yourself every day.

Say you can’t hear the person next to you at dinner, but you don’t want to spoil the mood, so you keep nodding as if you understood — then spend the evening at home trying to work out what they said. Instead of trying to make it look effortless, you could say: “It’s a bit loud in here and I missed that. Could you say it again?”

If you’re worried they’ll laugh at you or hold it against you, that worry matters too. Think about who you feel safer with, and which requests you could try out on a small scale first. Getting through it last time doesn’t mean you’ll have the same energy this time.

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Do I need to stop masking straight away?

You don’t need to make a rule that you’ll never mask again from today. Whether to tell people about your diagnosis, or change how you come across, depends on what you want and your real situation. Your job, your income, your privacy and your relationships could all be affected, and someone telling you to “just be yourself” won’t deal with those consequences for you.

Start with one change you want to try and could handle if it went badly. You might arrange to see a trusted friend for just an hour, with no dinner afterwards. You might ask for important plans in writing. Or you might simply say when you’re tired and need a rest. See whether it actually makes things easier before deciding whether to keep going.

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If you’re family or a friend, you could ask: “When you’re with me, is there anything you feel you have to pretend is fine?” Once you’ve heard the answer, agree on one thing you can change — like being able to stop whenever they’re tired, or fewer last-minute plans. Don’t push them to tell people about their diagnosis, and don’t assume that being quiet or not looking at you means they don’t respect you.

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What if I’ve cut back and I’m still exhausted?

Look at what happens before and after: how long you spend preparing, whether you can still eat, wash and sleep when you get back, and whether the next day is affected. Tell someone willing to help which part is hardest. What you need might be a hand with dinner, or cancelling an optional plan the next day — not just being told to rest.

If you’ve been tired for weeks without a clear reason, or it’s affecting your daily life, see a doctor and get your sleep, physical health and mental health checked. You can talk about masking, but don’t assume it explains everything.

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