I want friends, but I don’t want to be chatting all the time

Can I have friends without being in touch every day?

Yes — but the other person shouldn’t have to guess what you want. Some people love messaging every day; others prefer meeting up every so often. Not wanting to chat constantly might be about energy, or you might just not like that way of keeping in touch. Separate the friendship from the way it happens. Is it that you don’t want to get to know this person? Or would you like to, just without spending every evening on your phone? Those need very different answers.

The National Autistic Society’s guidance on loneliness draws a clear line between being alone and being lonely. Time on your own can feel great, while you can be surrounded by people and still feel nobody gets you. So counting how many people you see doesn’t tell you whether you have enough connection. What would you like to share with someone — a hobby, a weekend walk, someone to talk things over with when life gets hard? Work out which kind of connection you’re missing. One friend doesn’t have to meet every need.

What follows is mainly about friendships between adults. Apart from advice and ideas we’ve credited to organisations and books, the invitations, conversations and examples are our own — not a programme that guarantees you’ll make friends. Whether a friendship carries on always depends on both people wanting it to.

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You’ve just met someone. How do you get from saying hello to seeing them again?

Doing something together gives a first meeting something to talk about. NAS’s guide to making friends as an adult suggests finding groups based on your interests, checking beforehand how things work, and asking whether any support is available to take part. Start by asking whether you actually want to do the activity. If it’s worth going for its own sake, every outing doesn’t become a test of whether you made a friend that day.

Here’s a made-up example. You chat for a few minutes with someone at a book group. Reading the same book gives you something to talk about again, but it doesn’t tell you they want to be in touch privately. You could ask, “Are you coming to the next one?” If you both want to carry on talking, you could suggest, “Shall we chat about the book in the group’s message thread?” Coming to a group doesn’t mean someone wants to swap phone numbers. Staying in touch within the group is a perfectly good option too.

You don’t have to decide straight away whether someone is a friend. Over time, notice whether they want to keep talking too, whether there are things you both enjoy, and whether they respect it when you say you want to stop. If someone helps you, thank them — but you don’t owe them a friendship in return. And if you invite someone once, they’re not obliged to reply or become close to you.

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How do you explain slow replies or wanting to meet only briefly?

If you never explain, the other person may take slow replies to mean you’re not interested. You could say: “I’m not great at keeping up with messages, but I’d really like to see you at the weekend. Fancy a half-hour walk on Saturday afternoon?” Change the activity and timing to suit you. Saying where, when and roughly how long helps them decide whether it works for them — and gives you an end point you can actually manage.

Chapter 3 of The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome notes that some people do better with short get-togethers that have a clear purpose. That’s the author’s observation from practice — it doesn’t set a time limit for every autistic person. Treat it as something to talk over: is half an hour enough, could you stay longer if you’re both enjoying it, and how will you say when you’re ready to go? You don’t have to be completely worn out before you’re allowed to leave.

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Ask what works for them, too. They might want plenty of notice if you need to cancel, or not want to travel a long way for a short meet-up. You could pick somewhere convenient for both of you, or have a short phone call instead. One person shouldn’t make all the adjustments. If you can’t find something that works this time, leave it for now — not every scheduling clash means one of you doesn’t care.

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One of you wants daily contact and the other doesn’t. Who should give way?

There’s no right amount of contact for every friendship. What matters is turning “I need to know you care” into something you can talk about, instead of it automatically meaning “you have to reply straight away.” Equally, you can’t just say “that’s how I am” and leave your friend never knowing whether a plan is really on. It helps to separate three kinds of message: casual sharing, invitations that need an answer, and plans you’ve already made. They don’t all need replying to at the same speed.

For example, you might agree that everyday messages don’t need a reply the same day, but weekend plans need confirming by Friday evening. Your friend can flag the things that need a decision from you, and you do your best to let them know by the agreed time. If you can’t even manage that this week, say: “Count me out this week — let’s sort something next time.” That’s far clearer than saying yes to everything and leaving you both disappointed. This is just one example of what you might agree, not a social rule you have to follow.

Even after trying, it may still not work. Maybe they need to spend lots of time together and you can only manage occasional contact. Both of your needs can be completely genuine and still not fit together in this friendship. You might settle on being people who do something together now and then, or you might see less of each other. A friendship needs both people to respond — but not to give exactly the same amount of time, and certainly not for one person to keep running themselves into the ground to prove they mean it.

If someone turns me down, does it mean I’m bad at friendship?

Being turned down once only tells you that this invitation wasn’t accepted. Unless they say why, you don’t know whether it’s the timing, the activity, their energy, or that they don’t want to stay in touch. It’s natural to feel disappointed, but don’t jump from not knowing why to “I’m just not likeable.” And don’t assume they’re only shy and will change their mind if you keep asking.

If they say, “Saturday’s no good, but next week works,” arrange another time. If they just say “no thanks,” a simple “OK” is fine. If they’ve said they don’t want to be in touch or asked you to stop contacting them, stop. If you never hear back, treat the plan as not happening and get on with your own day. Whether to ask once more depends on how well you know each other and whether there’s something that genuinely needs confirming — there’s no magic number of follow-ups. Don’t keep pressing, and don’t contact them from a different account.

If several attempts haven’t gone well, look back at one of them with someone you trust. Was it the wrong kind of activity? Was the invitation unclear? Or do you keep meeting people who don’t treat you with respect? The point is to find something you might change — not to have someone mark every message you send. And no amount of improving your skills can guarantee someone else will want to be your friend.

A friend is upset with you. How do you talk about what actually went wrong?

First, find out which thing it is. If you cancelled at the last minute and they’d already made the journey, apologise and admit you let them know too late. Then explain what happened. After that, talk about how you can let them know sooner in future — and if sometimes you suddenly feel unwell and genuinely can’t give much notice, be honest about that too. You need to explain why and deal with the effect it had. Asking them to understand isn’t enough on its own.

One misunderstanding doesn’t have to mean the whole friendship is over. But making up doesn’t mean accepting every criticism either. You can keep the two apart: “I didn’t let you know in time, and I want to do better. But please don’t say I get everything wrong.” What matters is whether they can talk about what actually happened, and whether you can follow through on what you promised — not that neither of you ever gets upset.

If “helping you with your social skills” turns into repeated humiliation, touching you when you don’t want it, or controlling who you see, you can say no and talk to someone you trust. That’s not a disagreement that more chatting will fix. You can care about a friendship and still have every right to take a break from it or end it — and so does the other person.

My child is always on their own. Should I push them to make friends?

Everything above is about adults, and shouldn’t turn into tasks your child has to complete. First find out whether your child enjoys playing on their own, or wants to join in but doesn’t know how. You could ask, “Did you want to play with them just now, or were you happy on your own?” — and accept pointing or writing as answers too. Don’t start piling on social activities just because they were by themselves. And check whether they’re being left out or picked on.

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If your child does want company, talk to their teacher about one small, manageable activity — say, doing a jigsaw with one other child — including how to get started and who to go to if they want to stop. Afterwards, ask how it felt. That’s just one way of helping them join in, not a guarantee of friendship. What adults can do is make it easier for children to get into activities they want to be part of. It isn’t our job to pick someone they have to be friends with.

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